If you have ever played a roleplaying game such as Dungeons and Dragons, you are likely familiar with alignment charts.

From easydamus.com: Alignment is a tool for developing your character's identity. It is not a straitjacket for restricting your character. Each alignment represents a broad range of personality types or personal philosophies, so two characters of the same alignment can still be quite different from each other. In addition, few people are completely consistent.

We can use this when developing a barbecue alignment system.  It is a tool for describing barbecue, really not valuable for anything other than hopefully generating some conversation and maybe an argument or three.  I've found that alignment discussion tend to be nothing more than a powder keg, as many people dislike this type of categorization all together.  Plus, what I'm pitching here isn't necessarily correct, it is just my opinion, and totally open for discussion (and I'll probably make changes based on said discussion).

The axes of an Alignment Chart are typically Good Vs Evil and Law vs Chaos.

The third edition D&D rules define "law" and "chaos" as follows:^{[thank you wikipedia]}

Law implies honor, trustworthiness, obedience to authority, and reliability. On the downside, lawfulness can include closed-mindedness, reactionary adherence to tradition, judgmentalness, and a lack of adaptability. Those who consciously promote lawfulness say that only lawful behavior creates a society in which people can depend on each other and make the right decisions in full confidence that others will act as they should.

Chaos implies freedom, adaptability, and flexibility. On the downside, chaos can include recklessness, resentment toward legitimate authority, arbitrary actions, and irresponsibility. Those who promote chaotic behavior say that only unfettered personal freedom allows people to express themselves fully and lets society benefit from the potential that its individuals have within them.

Someone who is neutral with respect to law and chaos has a normal respect for authority and feels neither a compulsion to follow rules nor a compulsion to rebel. They are honest but can be tempted into lying or deceiving others if it suits him/her.

With respect to Barbecue, I'll define "law" and "chaos" as follows:

Law implies adherence to a set of easily repeatable rules to follow to attain an expected outcome - a recipe, if you will.  There isn't too much wiggle room with lawfulness - you follow a recipe or a set of directions, and get your finished product.  As the Mandalorians say, "This is the way."

Chaos implies a lot more wiggle room with the recipe.  Everyone may have their own way of doing a cook that works for them.  It is often more difficult to repeat or involves a lot more "artfulness" to get just right.  You need to pull the meat when it has the right "feel".  You need to get the smoke to the exact right color.  Even if you do everything by the book, some variable that you didn't take into account may sabotage your whole cook.

Barbecue that is neutral with respect to law and chaos can usually be created following a set recipe, but there are still a lot of variables.  Rub or sauce?  Wrap or no?  What wood should I use?  How long do I cook?  When is it considered done?

 

The third edition D&D rules define "good" and "evil" as follows:^{[thank you wikipedia]}

Good implies altruism, respect for life, and a concern for the dignity of sentient beings. Good characters make personal sacrifices to help others.

Evil implies harming, oppressing, and killing others. Some evil creatures simply have no compassion for others and kill without qualms if doing so is convenient or if it can be set up. Others actively pursue evil, killing for sport or out of duty to some malevolent deity or master.

People who are neutral with respect to good and evil have compunctions against killing the innocent but lack the commitment to make sacrifices to protect or help others. Neutral people are committed to others by personal relationships.

With respect to Barbecue, I'll define "good" and "evil" as follows:

Good implies food that is best cooked over a fire, either direct or indirect.  This is the food that defines the word "barbecue".

Evil implies food that really has no business being cooked over an open flame or in a smoker, and really should not be considered barbecue.  Evil food just doesn't work as barbecue.

Food in the neutral category with respect to good and evil is usually good barbecue, but can also be cooked really well through other methods.  Cooking on a grill or a smoker may work, but it may not be the best method.

The internet is full of fun creative people, and they have definitely come up with some great alignment charts.  If you do a Google Search for "Alignment Chart Food", you will see some great ones!

Here are a few of my favorites:

This last one may be the closest to what I was trying to accomplish here...but I could only find a thumbnail from a deleted twitter post by Andrew Thaler.  I may have to explore this idea in the future...

On to the Barbecue Grid:

Here is what I came up with, sketching on a paper towel on my lunch break at work.   I've even since made some changes, including adding veggies, burgers and chicken to the neutral category.    I felt that I definitely needed to separate Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts from other types of chicken.  Anyways, I digress.  Here you go!:

(I'll make this prettier with photos, etc, later, of course. )

Lawful good barbecue

Lawful good barbecue

Example: Pulled Pork - If you cook low and slow or hot and fast (turbo butt style), you are going to end up with a good end product if you cook to a 205F internal temperature and rest your meat.  This cut is so forgiving, it is very difficult to mess up.  Follow the recipe/rules, and you have a great product that is near impossible to recreate any other way.  (Don't @ me with any slow cooker instant pot nonsense)

Neutral good barbecue

Neutral good barbecue

Example: Pork Ribs - there is a little more wiggle room here with ribs than we had with pulled pork.  Sauce or rub (or both?)  Fall off the bone or not?  Spare ribs or baby backs?  Remove the silver skin?  Wrap or not?  If you find a tried and true recipe (3-2-1, 2-2-1) and stick to it, you will likely end up with a tasty product, but there are enough variables here that we are in neutral territory.

Chaotic good barbecue

Chaotic good barbecue

Example: Beef Brisket - I've read over quite a few forums where pit masters are asked "What is the most difficult meat for you to cook/smoke" and the resounding consensus seems to be brisket.  Even the most patient, detail oriented cook may find repeated great results difficult to attain.  The cut needs to be trimmed well, seasoned right, possibly pulled and wrapped at some point (or not), and removed from the heat at that exact moment where the fat is rendered but the meat is not overcooked so that it shreds.    It is a tough cut of meat and there are a ton of variables that go into cooking it "correctly", but the payoff is undeniably fantastic when done well.  This is the definition of chaotic good barbecue.

Lawful neutral barbecue

Lawful neutral barbecue

Example: Sausage Links, Vegetables - follow the directions and you are going to get a good product.  Most vegetables taste good with some caramalization, so burning them a little isn't an issue.  If they are undercooked, well, they are al dente.  You're welcome.   Sausage, too, is pretty straight forward.  Don't burn it, cook it til its done, and you are going to have a good time.  These are neutral, though, because, while good on the grill, that may not be the best way to cook them.  (hello flat top griddle)

Neutral barbecue

True neutral barbecue

Example: Steak, Hamburgers  So many variables here, and everyone has an opinion.  Are any opinions wrong?  How do you cook them best?  What is the best doneness?  Do you ask someone to leave if they want theirs cooked well done?  Can they be done better in a cast iron skillet?  This is the definition of neutral barbecue.

Chaotic neutral barbecue

Chaotic neutral barbecue

Example: Fish (seafood), Chicken  There are so many types of seafood with even more ways to cook it...  So many ways to cook chicken, too (whole or parted?  Spatchcocked or not?)  There are so many variables here, these are both very chaotic.  I have them as neutral because barbecue may not always be the best way to prepare fish/seafood and chicken.  Can you say deep fried?  Then again, fish and chicken ARE barbecue.  Shove a stick through either one and roast it over a fire in the wilderness...  "Screw you, normal bbq. Whether on a plank, or just ripped out of the mouth of a grizzly, fish isn’t your daddy’s grillin’. It’s your prehistoric ancestors." - DM and Food Lover Joshua Watson

Lawful evil barbecue

Lawful evil barbecue

Example: Hot Dogs - You are cooking hot dogs on your grill/smoker because there are finicky children that need to be fed and rather than trying the food that you poured your heart and soul into, they want a hot dog...or even a turkey dog.  This is something that is easy to heat up to serve and make folks happy, but isn't barbecue.

Neutral evil barbecue

Neutral evil barbecue

Example: Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast.  You want to take the leanest, most flavorless part of a chicken and remove all of the parts that give it flavor?   Go right ahead - let me know how that works out for you.  Sure it is healthy, but we aren't talking about that here, are we?

Chaotic evil barbecue

Chaotic evil barbecue

Example: Veggie Burgers - I have no problem with a veggie burger - they can taste great, but cooking them is a total crap shoot.  You have no good way of telling when they are finished cooking, so they aren't exactly easy to cook perfectly.  I always end up with some semblance of a vegetable puck of something trying to be meat, maybe with some black beans visible in it...and the person that I'm cooking it for would probably prefer roasted vegetables, anyway (me too!)   The added difficulty comes when you need to cook them on a surface that hasn't come in contact with animal protein (out of respect to the vegetarian/vegan, of course).  I suppose you can put down some foil and cook them on that, but at that point, you might as well cook them in a pan on the stove.  The Beyond Burgers and Impossible Burgers are the veggie burgers attempt to make an alignment change, and maybe it is working...but it still isn't barbecue.

What do you think?  Do you like it?  What am I missing?  What did I get completely wrong?  Let me know!